I Deserved It
by rizzlesfangurl
Summary: Maura ran her finger along the grooves in the grip handle of the tool as if by doing so she could somehow understand why. As if this object could somehow fix the pain in her head and in her heart. WARNING: Discusses self-harm and abuse. If this is a trigger for you, please consider not reading. OOC Maura.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters._

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also very Out of Character Maura. **

A/N: A special thanks to sweetkid45 & cecilis for talking me into re-uploading this! I just so we are perfectly clear this is fiction and that the show version of Maura would likely never act like she does in this story. If you do not like this, please consider not reading any further. But please do not tell me that Maura would never be stupid enough to do this. I find that very offensive and in no way constructive. Self-harm and domestic abuse are very real issues that a lot of people have at some point faced or are currently facing. I think they are topics which are often ignored when they should be addressed and discussed and help provided where possible. Nobody who has or is enduring this is stupid. Obviously, this story is very close to my heart and whilst constructive criticism is welcomed, please do not berate or say that these topics are stupid. This is currently a one-shot but I hope to continue at some point :) Thanks for reading my long A/N!

* * *

Maura enters her house and closes the door behind her as quietly as possible. The last thing she needs right now is an interruption from Angela. As much as she loves Angela, this needs to be done. She needs to do this. A million thoughts and words run through her head as she approaches the kitchen.

She opened the drawer and retrieved the required tool. Closing the drawer, she sunk to the floor. Leaning her head back till it made contact with the now closed drawer, she examined the tool in her hands, wondering if she should go through with it. She closed her eyes, remembering all the words and actions of others that had brought her to this point.

 _"Maura the Bore-A"_ her classmates jeered, all pointing and laughing.

Maura twirled the instrument in her hand as her memories flooded back.

 _"Queen of the dead"_ the officer whispered as she walked past.

Her eyes still closed, Maura ran her finger along the grooves in the grip handle of the tool as if by doing so she could somehow understand why. As if this instrument somehow held the answers to all the questions she had. As if this object could somehow fix the pain in her head and in her heart.

 _"You're like me"_ Charles Hoyt sneered.

Her eyes snapped open at this memory. Maura remembered it like it was yesterday. That statement lead to a similar process as what was about to happen tonight. That one simple sentence had all but destroyed her.

She intently studied to tool once more. There were obviously many different objects around the house that could have been used for this purpose, but this was her favourite. She held it tightly in both hands, moving it backwards and forwards. Watching as the light caught the metal. It was almost spellbinding.

Pressing down on the button she slowly pushes it forward. Each click seems to reverberate in the room. Each click brings Maura one step closer. Each click takes her one step closer to the precipice. Each click is one less chance to back out. After three clicks the point of the blade starts to peek out from it's housing. Maura pushes further foward until another two clicks are heard.

She stops momentarilly, staring at the knife, remembering what happened just a few hours ago that brought her to this point.

 _"Son of a bitch killed his own wife! I knew he did it. Let's go nail him Frankie." Jane motioned to her brother. Both detectives started making their way to the interrogation room, only stopping when Maura spoke up._

 _"Can I watch Jane?" Maura simply had to see what the suspect had to say._

 _"Ah...Okay?" Jane said, her brow burrowed in confusion. Maura understood that it was an unusual request and had she been alone with Jane, she may have explained her interest. However, she did not want Frankie to know. She decided then it was best if no one found out. Not even Jane._

 _"We know you killed your wife Ryan!" Jane exclaims as she brings her fists down on the table in front of them. Maura watched the suspect intently. He did not even flinch. Instead a smirk started to appear. "Are you even going to deny it?" Jane screeched._

 _"Bitch had it coming." He snarled, smirk still evident._

 _Maura could see that Jane was at breaking point. Frankie could see it to. He gently placed his hand on his sister's arm in an attempt to calm her down before he continued the questioning. "We found evidence of repeated abuse on your wife's body Ryan. You are going away for a long time."_

 _"She. Fucking. Deserved. It." Ryan said through clenched teeth. "She forced me to marry her. She got herself pregnant and then forced me to fucking marry her. She was a bitch and I'm glad she's dead."_

 _"Do you even care about what is going to happen to your daughter now Ryan? You killed her mother and you are going away for the rest of your life!" Jane yelled in the suspect's face._

 _Ryan lent back in his chair and smirked once more. "I don't care. I got what I wanted."_

 _"Oh yeah, and what was that?" Frankie asked._

 _"I got to kill that bitch. I got to watch the life drain out of her."_

 _Maura couldn't stand by idly anymore. Before her brain could catch up to her feet, she found herself swinging open the door to the interrogation room. "How could it be her fault?!" She yelled as she ran over to Ryan and grabbed at his shirt._

 _"What the hell Maura?!" Jane yelled. But, Maura did not hear, she was too distracted by the thoughts in her own head._

 _The suspect's expression went from shock to understanding. Staring at Maura, he whispered so that only she could hear: "I bet you deserved it too."_

 _Maura felt the world spinning around her. She felt a hand on her arm, gently squeezing. She looked up to see Jane talking to her but the words never reached her ears. She had to get out of there. Now. She yanked her arm away from Jane's hand and ran out the door._

"I deserved it." Maura mumbled as a shaking hand brought the blade to her wrist.

"I deserved it." She whispered as she softly pressed the blade to her flesh.

"I deserved it." She chanted, determination hitting her.

"I DESERVED IT!" She screamed as she pushed the blade into her wrist as hard as her willpower would allow.

"I DESERVED IT" She repeated as she pulled the blade, tearing at her skin.

"MAURA!" Jane yelled as she ran over to her friend.

Maura looked up at Jane running over to her. She didn't want her to see this. She looked down at her crimson wrist. She watched as the knife slowly fell from her grasp, listening intently as it clattered to the floor. "I'm sorry Jane." she whispered, broken.

"Maura, sweetie..." Jane reached for a clean dishcloth and pressed it gently to her friend's wound. Tears streaming down her face. Jane sunk to the floor beside Maura and wrapped her arms around her lovingly, pulling her in for a warm embrace.

Neither woman moved for over ten minutes. Jane then gently removed the dishcloth to look at how bad the injury was. But she wasn't the doctor. She had no idea if Maura needed to go to a hospital.

"It won't need stitches." Maura broke her silence to answer the detective's internal question.

Jane looked from Maura's wrist up to her face. She could see the pain evident in her best friends features. She just had to know. "Why Maur?"

"Because I deserved it." Maura whispered in response.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading! :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters._

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also very Out of Character Maura.**

A/N: Thank you so much for all your reviews/follows. You have inspired me to continue. Just a quick explanation… This story will contain numerous flashbacks. These flashbacks will be in _Italics_ , current time in normal font. This story for me is a little bit therapeutic but also a little bit painful. As such, it will likely not be updated as often as other stories out there might be as it takes a fair bit out of me to write. But enough about me! I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

* * *

"I don't understand Maur." Jane replied tenderly, confusion etched on her face. She was quite clearly frazzled, unsure. An internal war raged in her head. One side demanded answers from her best friend, from the woman in front of her who was currently almost unrecognisable to the detective. The other simply wanted to stay wrapped around the doctor, to take her pain away. The latter won out as Jane gently positioned her arms around the M.E., drawing her close, hanging on as tightly as possible as if she believed she could somehow absorb her friend's agony through her arms alone. Relishing having her best friend so close, Jane closed her eyes, trying desperately to push her tears away. She sat motionless for a minute, allowing herself to calm. She then slowly repositioned herself so that she was directly in front of Maura. "What can I do to help Maur?" Jane asked as she motioned towards the Doctor's crimson stained wrist.

Maura stared straight at the Detective, eyes void of emotion. "There is some gauze and antibiotic cream in the first aid kit below the sink." She replied flatly. The honey blonde stared straight ahead as the detective retrieved the kit as instructed. Maura looked towards the detective, flinching only slightly as Jane gently applied the cream. Seeing the pain in her friend's face, Maura realised that for the first time in her life she had someone who was hurting simply because she herself was. As the detective began to gently bind the wound, Maura could no longer resist the urge to share her horrific story with her best friend. She had resisted all these years in order to protect the detective but she realised now that she was hurting her friend by not sharing. She realised the time had come to face her deepest fears and to finally tell someone about the hell she was subjected to for some time.

The M.E. motioned to stand and Jane quickly rose and extended her hand, helping her friend up off the wooden floor. Jane followed Maura to the living room and sat herself next to the blonde, their legs touching. Jane simply needed to be as close as she possibly could be to her friend after what she had just witnessed, to reassure her wandering mind that her best friend was here and alive in spite of her obvious pain. She gently placed her hand on Maura's thigh, a silent motion of support.

"It all started a couple of years before I met you..." The blonde started, suddenly feeling a heavy uneasiness settle upon her. Maybe she still wasn't ready to speak this out loud just yet. She looked down, silently asking someone, anyone, to help her through this.

Jane, the ever vigilant detective and best friend, could sense the doctor's hesitance. While she was desperate for answers, there was no way she was going to push her best friend to do something that was quite clearly causing her discomfort. Without saying a word, she gently encased her best friend's hand with her own, lovingly brushing the blonde's knuckles with her thumb.

For the first time that night, the M.E. permitted her best friend to really see her pain. She looked directly at Jane as she allowed her tears to silently cascade down her face. "When I met a man named Brian."

* * *

 _A young 16 year old Maura Isles briskly walked the halls of her high school, wanting to ensure she could reach her class on time. Eyes cast downward as was now customary for the honey blonde; she failed to see her classmate walking towards her. Suddenly the books she had clasped in her arms were smacked to the ground. Maura looked up briefly to see one of her long time tormentors standing directly in front of her with a scowl on her face. "Well, if it isn't Maura the Bore-a! Always in the way, it's no wonder mommy and daddy shipped you off to boarding school!" The young girl taunted before swiftly taking her exit through the giggling crowd._

 _Maura, embarrassed and upset, bent down to collect her books as a few errant tears trickled down her cheek. As she went to collect her last textbook, a hand brushed past her own. The blonde looked up to see an unfamiliar face picking her book up. Expecting the stranger to throw her book down the hall as a few of her classmates had done before, Maura silently stayed crouched down on the ground avoiding all eye contact._

" _Here's your book." A smooth voice whispered gently, his arm extending the hardcover towards the blonde. Maura now took the time to take in the stranger in front of her. She was met with kind brown eyes laced with sadness. Examining the boy further, she discovered herself immediately attracted to his dusty brown curly hair and the dimples that adorned his face as her gave her a kind and genuine smile._

 _Unaccustomed to the kindness offered by the boy, Maura took the proffered book and began to breathe erratically. She was used to heartless bullies, taunts and embarrassment. Those were the situations she had become accustomed to, the situations she was somewhat equipped to handle. She was not at all prepared for this show of kindness. Her mind swirled as she attempted to examine the situation for possible causes for the boy's benevolence. Would he now want something from her in return? Was he being nice simply to embarrass her at a later time?_

 _The boy however, seemed not to notice her internal freak out. "I'm Brian." He stated as he put his hand out for Maura to shake._

 _The young blonde tilted her head in confusion as she attempted to slow down her breathing._

" _I just moved here. It's my first day today." Brian continued, his hand still outstretched._

" _Did you know that in around 2800BC a handshake was common practice in order to for a host to check their visitor's arms for concealed weapons?" Maura blurted and immediately regretted it as her cheeks went crimson from embarrassment._

 _Brian looked on with a touch of amusement. "Ah no, I didn't but I assure you that I have no concealed weapons. You can check if you want though." He chuckled and wiggled the fingers of his still outstretched hand._

 _Maura shyly allowed her gaze to fall to the ground once more as she gently shook his hand. "I'm Maura." She all but whispered._

" _It's a pleasure to meet you Maura." He replied as he placed his hand under her chin and gently pulled her face up. "I wish you wouldn't do that Maura, you have beautiful eyes that you should always allow the world to see." He stated softly, smiling adoringly at the blonde._

" _Well I best start heading to class. I do not want to be late. Being tardy to class can cause any number of intellectual and social impacts and I do not want to interfere with the education of my peers." Maura held her books tightly to her chest as she turned to walk down the corridor._

" _Oh Maura, you forgot something." Brian called out after her._

 _Maura took stock of her books and, upon recognising that she in fact had all her required books in her grasp, turned around in confusion. The moment she turned, gentle lips were upon her own. Before Maura could even respond, the lips had retreated._

" _Chin up Maura, things can only get better from here." Brian whispered charmingly in her ear before heading the opposite direction down the halls of the school._

* * *

"It sounds like he was a sweet guy." Jane adds in confusion after a minute of silence.

"He was. He really was." Maura replied bitterly. "I think I am going to need a glass of wine if I am to continue this tale." The doctor admitted as she timidly rose to her feet and made her way towards the kitchen. "Do you want a beer Jane?"

Jane sighed sadly as she too rose to her feet. "Maur, you don't have to tell me anymore if it's too painful for you." Jane offered as she sat herself on a kitchen stool, watching the doctor venture towards the fridge.

"I want to tell you Jane." Maura answered as she cracked opened a beer and handed it to the brunette. "I need to tell you."

Jane remained silent but her eyes never once left the blonde as she poured herself a glass of wine and retreated once more to the living room. Both women returned to their previous positions on the couch and silently drank for a couple of moments before the blonde resumed her story.

"He was kind and sweet to me in high school. He was the first guy to really take in interest in me. I was immediately taken by him, swept up into a whirlwind romance. My best friend at the time had her doubts but I ignored her. All I could see what this charming boy who was romantic and attentive."

* * *

" _Maura, I really feel that you need to be careful with him. I just don't trust him. I mean who kisses someone the first time they meet them?" Maura's best friend Nina stated in frustration._

" _Nina I don't understand why you can't just be happy for me! I finally have someone who is sweet and caring and you are being unduly critical of him. Oh, I read a study recently about women who disliked their friend's partners due to them being seen as negative influences. So what misdemeanours, pray tell, has Brian committed to cause you to shunt him?" The blonde responded, wholly frustrated by the conversation._

" _Misde- what?" Nina confusingly replied, her head tilted as she attempted to understand her wordy friend._

" _Misdemeanour: meaning a minor wrongdoing. So please tell me what it is precisely that has you so against Brian?"_

" _I just have a bad feeling Maura. I've even seen him flirting with other girls!" Her friend replied, her arms gesturing wildly._

" _That's a lie Nina! Are you jealous or something?!" Maura yelled in reply._

" _WHAT? No Maura it's not like that at all." Nina replied as she allowed her gaze to fall to the floor, her voice becoming small and resigned. "I just don't want you to get hurt." She whispered softly._

" _Well the only person that is currently causing me harm is you." Maura responded tersely before turning and walking away from her best friend._

* * *

"She has a point you know Maur, about him kissing you straight up. That was a bit presumptuous of him." The detective commented after a beat.

"I know that now but I could not perceive it at the time. I was so enamoured by him that my judgement was clouded. Besides, he didn't start to show his true hues until well after high school had concluded."

Jane chuckled slightly. "Colours Maur; the saying is true colours."

Maura looked at the amusement held in her best friend's eyes and relaxed a little further. There had always been something about the detective that put her at ease. In this instance, she was expressly thankful for that particular gift.

"So did you and your friend ever work it out?" Jane asked, completely captivated by the doctor's retelling of her story.

"We did. It was, however, a constant point of contention. As you can likely ascertain due to the fact that you have never met Nina, we did not remain best friends after school. However, we do share a meal together every year or so." The blonde replied sadly. She has always been disappointed in herself for not listening to her friend's kindly advice. Just another fact she added to her ever growing mental self-degradation list.

"So what happened with Brian after that Maur?" Jane gently prompted, eyes turning serious once more as she looked caringly at her friend.

"Well we dated for the remaining years of high school. As we were in boarding school in France, we broke up after high school finished. I was to attend BCU here and he was going on the attend college in France. It was decided that the distance would not do us any good. The break up was amicable, or so I thought at the time. I went quite some time without hearing from him. Then one day, I returned after a lecture to find him waiting at my dorm room with flowers in his hand."

* * *

 _To be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters etc._

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also very Out of Character Maura. **

**Thank you for the reviews/follows etc and thank you for continuing to join me on this journey. It's a delicate and intense journey that I just felt the need to share and I thank you all for sharing it with me. So without further ado, onwards and upwards! I would love to know what you think. :)**

* * *

" _Brian? What are you doing here?" Maura asked in shock as she reached her dorm room._

" _Well I came to see you, of course!" He charmingly replied, pulling his arm from behind his back and presenting the honey blonde with a bunch of flowers. "These are for you." He offered lovingly._

 _Maura accepted the flowers and placed her nose to the bunch as she took in a deep breath, thoroughly savouring the beautiful smelling blossoms. With a smile on her face she took a moment to study the man in front of her. Gone were his boyish curls, replaced with a sleek and mature hairstyle. His face had filled in as he had grown and he had clearly looked after his body. He looked quite different, Maura noticed. Alarmingly, even his once kindly brown eyes seemed slightly hollow. Maura shook off any bad thoughts, electing to write off the changes to their time and distance apart._

" _They are beautiful, thank you." Maura replied sweetly as she opened the door to her room. "Please come in." Maura added as she led Brian through her dorm. This was one of the times she was thankful to be fortunate enough to obtain a single dorm with a private bath as so she had no concerns about bothering any roommates with her surprise visitor._

" _Nice place." He said, his adorable dimples in full effect as he smiled widely at the honey blonde._

" _It suits me nicely." Maura replied as she softly placed the flowers on her desk. She was then suddenly encased with arms as Brian hugged her tightly from behind. She immediately noted the difference in his touch. Where his touch had once been gentle, almost reverent; his arms now enfolded her tightly, as if he was afraid of her escaping him. When he placed a kiss on her cheek, it was no longer soft and loving. It was now somewhat abrasive and rushed. He indelicately turned her to face him and crashed his lips into hers. Maura immediately returned the kiss, having been without the attention of a male suitor for some time._

" _God I've missed you." Brian moaned as he deepened the kiss, pawing at Maura's blouse in an attempt to remove it._

" _Mmm. Brian." Maura started in between kisses. Pulling back, she continued. "Brian we should slow down."_

" _Nonsense." He replied flatly, trying to pull in the blonde once more._

 _Maura placed her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. Ignoring his indignant huff, she took a step away from him. "What are you doing in Boston?" She queried, desperate to diffuse the rapidly escalating situation._

" _Europe was no longer for me. I've transferred to BCU to major in forensic pathology." He responded smugly, clearly enjoying the shocked expression on the honey blonde's face._

" _You were to major in Psychology. Whatever happened to that particular goal?" She asked, unable to hide the slight tremor in her voice at the way her former boyfriend was now acting._

" _I decided it was no longer for me. Besides, I figured if I was going to come to Boston, why not change my major as well. Even better is that I have arranged to be in most of your classes." Brian added with glee._

" _You…You, my class.. What?" Maura stammered. She was in disbelief, not only that Brian was in Boston and had for some reason decided to change his major, but also that he had purposefully arranged to be in many of her lectures. She suddenly felt suffocated._

 _Brian chuckled good naturedly at Maura's stuttering. "I wanted to be as close to you as possible. We have a lot to catch up on after all."_

* * *

"Oh, Maur." Jane interrupted, sadness impressed on her features. "He was controlling you from the get go sweetie."

Maura turned to Jane, tears forming in her eyes. "I know. I knew that then but you didn't see the look in his eye Jane. I was surprised and somewhat scared. This was a man who was so very different from the boy I knew and loved in high school. I held out hope that it was just a readjustment. That we had been apart for such a period of time that we needed to reacquaint ourselves with one another and once we had he would be back to normal. I was also extremely lonely Jane." She stated as she wiped the tears from her face.

"Oh sweetie, come here." Jane asked warmly with her arms outstretched.

Maura quickly sought comfort in the warm and gentle embrace of her friend. She shivered slightly as she considered the difference between this embrace and the tight hold that Brian always had on her. She quickly shook the thoughts from her head. How could she possibly compare Brian, her ex-boyfriend and lover to Jane, her best friend? And yet here she was, noticing all the large and small ways that Jane Rizzoli treated her better than Brian ever did.

Jane broke Maura's inner musings by gently placing a kiss atop her head. "You will never be lonely again." She promised in a whisper, almost too soft for the M.E. to hear. Maura did however hear the loving words and burrowed further into the detective's arms.

"Things got better after that for a while. I thought the storm had passed. He moved into a small unit off campus and we attended classes together. We were like any other couple on campus. We spent a fair amount of time together but also had our moments apart. We had mutual friends and friends of our own. He would cook me dinner when I spent the night at his apartment, complete with candles and a rose on the table. He was attentive and sweet once more."

Maura took a deep breath, shivers wracking her body as she prepared herself to continue her story. She trembled recognising that she was about to vividly take Jane through the torment and hell she lived through for many months. The M.E. subconsciously began to pull at the bandage on her wrist, in an attempt to reach her wound. She recognised that she was quickly spiraling out of control but was powerless to stop the panic from overcoming her. Her breathing became uneven; her chest constricting as an overwhelming fear choked the air from her lungs. Her fingers were now actively seeking purchase of the bandage. If only she could remove it. Maybe if she could see the wound, see the blood and register the pain again. Maybe then she could calm herself down.

Her mauling was abruptly stopped by hands on her own. Her weakened mind deceptively allowed her to believe those hands to be the same hands that had caused her pain all those years ago. Again terror took control of her body and she tightly closed her eyes as she attempted to sink further into the couch. If she showed him she was sorry then perhaps this time he wouldn't hurt her anymore. Maybe if she showed him what she had done to herself, that she was already hurting, perhaps on this occasion he would be satisfied and leave her be.

"It's just me sweetie. It's Jane. Come back to me Maur."

Maura's brain could not reconcile that familiar raspy voice to the painful images that were playing behind her closed eyelids. Warily, she slowly opened her eyes one at a time. Taking in the scene before her as if she was a third party, the first thing she noticed were the hands upon her own. Scarred hands that were somehow still soft and gentle. She paid attention to how they were tenderly tracing her fingers, delicately attempting to pull them from her wrist. She noticed that they were not harsh or restrictive but rather warm and comforting. Her terrified brain than allowed her to look up at the face belonging to those hands. Expecting to be met with harsh, scowling features, she was grateful to be met instead with a concerned and loving gaze.

Jane herself was petrified. She had no idea what to do. Seeing Maura in some sort of a haze, attempting to further harm herself literally brought the detective to her knees. She placed herself in front of the doctor, gently grabbing her hands and trying desperately to pull her best friend from her frightful stupor. However, her words went largely unnoticed by Maura. When the doctor eventually met her gaze, the Italian could see the utter terror her best friend's eyes contained. She knew then that she would give anything to take that away from her. Anything in the world to somehow fix the woman she now knew without a doubt that she loved. The sudden revelation took Jane by surprise. It frightened her. However, she knew that the important thing in that moment was to make her best friend to feel safe, surprising feelings be damned.

Noticing that Maura seemed to now recognise her, Jane continued her cooing. "That's it Maur. You're safe with me. I'll protect you. Come back to me."

"J…Jane?" Maura croaked out as her fear slowly left and her breath returned to her.

"It's me Maur. It's me." Jane whispered as she brought her forehead to rest against the blonde's.

Maura yawned and Jane immediately scooped her off the couch in her arms. "What ya doin'?" The blonde asked in a sleepy haze.

"I think you might have had some kind of panic attack Maur. You are exhausted. I'm just going to tuck you in to bed ok?"

"Mmmk." Came the doctor's response as she nuzzled into Jane's shoulder.

Jane reached the bedroom and gently placed Maura on top of the covers. "Scoot over sweetie so that I can put the covers over you." She gently instructed and the M.E. immediately complied. Jane then tucked her in and with a kiss to Maura's cheek she made to leave the room.

"Stay." Maura mumbled as she wearily reached her arm out towards the brunette. "Please."

Jane stood immobile for a second as she considered her options. She knew that Maura needed to comfort however she also knew that with her very newly discovered feelings for the doctor, lying on the bed with her would be somewhat difficult if she wanted to keep said feelings to herself. In the end, the decision was an easy one as she knew that she wanted more than anything to provide her best friend with the much needed security. She padded her way back to the bed before unceremoniously flopping herself on to it.

The honey blonde quickly rolled over and snuggled into Jane's side before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

Jane tried to have a little rest herself but was too outraged. She instead allowed herself to enjoy having the doctor so close and watched gratefully as she peacefully slept.

A little while later Maura began to stir and Jane loosened her hold on the blonde not wanting to make her feel suffocated in case she woke with a fright. Maura however, woke with a soft sigh and allowed herself a moment in her best friend's warm arms before she moved to sit up.

"How long was I asleep?" She asked of the detective as she wiped the sleep from her eyes.

"Bout an hour." Jane replied with a soft smile on her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better thank you." Maura responded before turning away from Jane. "I'm so sorry you had to see that Jane." The M.E. said in such a small voice it almost brought tears to the detective's eyes.

Jane hesitantly placed a hand on her friend's shoulder, now unsure as to whether the contact would be welcomed. "Maur look at me please." She requested and waited until Maura's gaze met her own. "You do not ever have to apologise to me. I'm here for the good and the not so good. I love you. Ah… you are my best friend." Jane quickly backtracked as she realised exactly what she had just said.

Maura watched the brunette's features intently. She noted her roving eyes, dilating pupils, slightly sweaty palms. Maura pondered what that could all mean. She knew scientifically what those physical signs indicated but quickly decided there was simply no way that Jane could love her beyond a purely platonic level. Not when she was a broken, unlovable mess. Shaking her head she softly responded. "Thank you Jane."

There was a moment of silence before it was broken by Jane's rumbling tummy. Both women burst out in much needed laughter.

"Oh Jane, when did you last eat?" Maura managed to ask between her fits of giggles.

"Ummm lunch time?" Jane offered sheepishly, knowing a reprimand from her doctor would soon follow.

"Jane! Not eating regularly can cause many problems." Maura scolded. "Heart and digestive problems to begin with. Not to mention the negative effects that vitamin deficiency can cause the body. You must eat enough food to meet nutritional need and m…"

"Ok Maur." Jane interrupted with a gentle pat on Maura's knee. "I'm sorry, I was just a little distracted by the case today. Are you hungry?"

When the doctor nodded her answer, Jane retrieved her phone and made quick work of ordering some pizza for the both of them. They lay side by side, silently enjoying each other's company until Jane heard the doorbell ring in the distance. She quickly got up before Maura could move and went to collect the pizza. Upon her return she was holding the pizza box in one arm with a beer sitting precariously on top and a full wine glass in her other hand. Maura swooned at her thoughtfulness before taking the offered glass of wine from the detective.

They ate in silence until Maura finished her pizza, placed her wine glass on the bedside table, determined to recommence her telling of her past.

"After six wonderful months he asked me to move in with him. I was hesitant at first, but he was so thoughtful and not at all forceful on the matter. He gently explained numerous times that it would save time and money for us both if we were to live together. He showed me the beautiful apartments that he had found for us. Before I had a chance to properly consider the potential repercussions, I found myself assenting to move in with him."

Maura again took a break from her retelling. She reached forward to take a large sip from her wine glass previously discarded to the bedside table. Jane too took a sip from her beer as she watched the pained expression on the Doctor's face. Maura hadn't even gotten to the hardest part of her story and already Jane hated Brian. Hated the man who caused Maura's body to shake as she spoke, who caused her tears to fall down her beautiful pale face, who caused her to turn to self-harm in order to cope with the most stressful situations in her life. No, Jane didn't hate the man, she loathed him. She considered calling Frankie to get him to find out where that bastard lived so she could shoot him in the face. Somehow though, she didn't think it would be of any benefit to Maura for her to be sitting in a prison cell for the rest of her life. Instead, she took the blonde's hands in her own, in a soft yet firm hold, silently providing her solidarity and waited for Maura to continue, all the while silently vowing to one day bring justice upon Brian.

"Things went downhill again once we had been living together for a few months…"

 _To be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters._

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also very Out of Character Maura. **

**A/N: Thank you again to those of you who have reviewed/followed etc. They encourage me to continue. Hope you enjoy the next chapter. Just so you all know, there will be a happy Rizzles ending and all loose ends will be tied up but there is still a lot for our ladies to work through before we get there. But get there we will! This is another relatively heavy chapter but we have a lighter chapter coming next. The beginning moments of Maura's recovery. :)**

* * *

 _Maura knew she was running late. They should have left the house at least five minutes ago and yet here she was, still deliberating as to which pair of heels would best suit her dress. The blue Alexander McQueen dress with the plunging neckline that she was wearing specifically for Brian, knowing it was his favourite. She was filled with nerves at the prospect of meeting Brian's parents._

" _Maura, where are my dress shoes?" She heard Brian bellow from downstairs. Determined not to be so uncivilized as to yell in response, she sighed and slipped on the pair of heels she had originally selected before making her way down the stairs._

" _You wore them last night honey, where did you put them?" Maura asked; her voice neutral despite her inward annoyance at his uncleanliness._

" _If I knew that I wouldn't be asking you would I!" He responded before pushing past the blonde and running up the stairs._

 _Maura quickly scanned the room and spotted the offending shoes haphazardly tossed on the floor in the living room, next to numerous empty beer bottles. Before she could collect the shoes Brian was once again in front of her, anger evident on his sharp features._

" _Why aren't you helping Maura?" He asked as he put his hands on her should and lightly shook her. "We needed to leave ten minutes ago. We are going to be extremely late now. There is nothing my father hates more than tardiness."_

 _Maura attempted to intercede, to tell him that she had in fact located the shoes he was requiring. However, the moment she opened her mouth his yelling intensified._

" _Don't say a word Maura, I don't want to hear it. Just. Fucking. Find. Them." He shrieked, expressing each word with a stab of his finger to her chest._

" _They are over there in the living room Brian, next to your numerous discarded beer bottles." Maura replied, gently using her fingers to smooth over the spot on her chest that Brian had repeatedly poked. She was sure it would result in a contusion by morning._

 _Brian glared at her before stomping over to his shoes. He kicked the beer bottles for good measure before sitting on the couch and unceremoniously yanking his shoes on. "You don't have to be such a freakin' bitch Maura." He chided as he stood from the couch._

" _I apologise if you believe that I was being purposefully discourteous Brian. I was simply stating facts based upon my observations. If…."_

" _SHUT UP!" He bellowed, his body shaking with rage as he swiftly collected one of the empty bottles that was conveniently at his feet and hurling it in Maura's direction._

 _The doctor quickly ducked to the floor, her hands covering her head as the bottle connected with the wall and glass shattered around her._

 _Brian took in the blonde's frightened demeanour and immediately calmed. "God, I'm so sorry Maura." He apologized sheepishly as he slowly made his way over to her. "I'm so so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I am just so nervous about introducing you to my parents. I'm so sorry." He kept repeating his apology like a mantra as he reached the scene and bent down until he was at Maura's level. He gently placed his hand on her chin and pulled her head up until she was at eye level with him. He noticed that she refused to meet his eyes. Regardless, he could see the fear her eyes contained. "I'm sorry. I just got so angry. I shouldn't have thrown that at you. I promise it won't happen again. Please forgive me? Please Maura?" He begged as she met his eyes at last._

 _She was still shaking but she could sense what appeared to be genuine remorse. "I forgive you Brian." She replied softly, afraid that adding any volume might anger him once more. She carefully rose to her feet, wary to avoid any of the shattered glass. "I'll get something to clean this up."_

" _No, please let me clean it." Brian gently replied before leaving to retrieve the required items._

* * *

"I didn't think anything of it at the time Jane. I instantly forgave him. Now I understand that this was the first of many signs that I misinterpreted." Maura shook her head in disbelief. "I'm an educated woman. I like to think of myself as a somewhat strong and independent woman. How could I have been so asinine as to miss these initial signs Jane?"

"You are not stupid Maura Isles." Jane responded firmly. "You are the smartest and strongest person I know. I already believed that before I knew about your past. Now I am even more convinced, if that is even possible. Every couple fights and unfortunately sometimes that may escalate further than it should. God knows I've attended enough domestic disputes in my day to understand that. That doesn't mean that the relationship should automatically be over because you had a fight. Some people fight intensely once and then never again. Some people fight regularly without it escalating to violence. You weren't to know Maura. You couldn't have known that he would get worse. You simply couldn't have known for sure Maur. So no, I refuse to let you to call my best friend stupid. I won't allow it!" Jane lightly teased, hoping it may help to calm the doctor.

"Thank you Jane." Maura replied reverently as she placed her head on her friend's shoulder.

"GIRLS WHERE ARE YOU?" Jane groaned as she heard her mother's voice thunder through the house.

"WE'RE COMING MA!" Jane responded and immediately rebuked herself for yelling as she felt Maura jump in surprise. "Sorry Maur, I didn't mean to scare you." She whispered. "I don't know what on earth she is even doing here!"

"That's ok Jane, I'm just on edge. And I believe your mother is here because it is now 5pm on Friday." The M.E. softly responded.

"Well thanks for the timeline Maur." Jane deadpanned.

"Rizzoli family dinner will commence in precisely an hour and a half Jane. You know your mother always like to start the preparations as early as possible."

"Shit. I forgot." Jane responded, tiredly rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands.

"Language, Jane." Maura gently admonished. "You're exhausted. Why don't you have a rest up here for an hour or so? I'll go down and assist your mother with preparing dinner. I'll come and collect you once your brothers arrive. What do you say?" Maura sweetly offered as she lovingly pushed some errant curls form the brunette's face.

"No that's ok Maur. I don't want to be away from you after today. I..I mean I don't want to leave you alone with my mother after the day you have had." Jane mentally face palmed. She really needed to sort herself out before her feelings for the beautiful M.E. affected their friendship. She understood that Maura needed her best friend at this point and she was determined to be whatever she needed her to be.

Both women made their way down the stairs towards the kitchen. "Shi…Sugar Maura! What on earth?" Jane yelped as Maura abruptly came to a stop in the middle of the staircase, causing Jane to run into her and almost causing them both to tumble down to remaining stairs. Only Jane's quick reflexes, her left arm grabbing the railing as the other encircled the M.E's waist, prevented the fall.

"What if Frankie told your mother about what happened today at the station Jane? I am not ready to discuss it with anyone other than you Jane." Maura frightfully whispered.

Jane gently pulled the blonde closer and lightly kissed her forehead in an effort to placate her evident fear. "I'm sure Frankie hasn't mentioned it Maur. He loves you like a sister. He told me at the station he was worried about you but that he knew I would help you and so he agreed to let it be. If it makes you feel any better I will have a quiet word with him alone and make sure he doesn't mention anything, ok?"

Maura took a deep breath and inhaled Jane's unique scent. "Thank you Jane." She whispered, calmed once more by her best friend. "Let's get downstairs."

Jane made to follow Maura but just as she was reaching the last stair she noticed the doctor's arm. Her bandage covered arm. She knew that would raise questions from both her mother and Frankie that neither woman was prepared to answer. "Maur, let's go back upstairs for a minute." She quietly said as she gently gripped Maura's uninjured arm.

"Jane, what are we doing? We need to assist you mother." Maura questioned as she followed the brunette.

"Your bandage Maur." Jane started, pointing to the injured wrist before turning and entering Maura's walk in closet. "We need to cover that otherwise there will be some tough questions from all parties that you do not want to answer." Jane selected a light jacket that she believed matched the doctor's outfit and taking it off the hanger, handed it to Maura. "Here, put this on."

"Oh." Maura responded, crestfallen. The self-hate seeped in once more as she glanced at her wrist. She felt like such a burden. Jane was such an incredibly caring and beautiful woman. She did not deserve to have such a nut job for a best friend. The greyness suddenly enveloped her once again. There was a heaviness that set on her shoulders, too much for her to bear. Maura listlessly put the jacket on before turning to leave the room, hoping to avoid the Italian seeing the tears forming in her eyes.

Jane however, knew the doctor intimately and quickly recognised that she was upset. She felt sad. There was no other way to describe seeing her friend in such pain. She just felt so sad. She wanted to fix it but honestly, she had no idea where to start. She just knew that she wanted to wrap the doctor in her arms and tell her it would all be okay. So she did. She approached the doctor and stepped in front of her. Seeing the tears welling in her friend's eyes only spurred Jane on. She stretched out her arms and enfolded them around the blonde. "I can see you hurting Maur and it's killing me. I know this is bigger than me. I want to help to, to be able to fix you. I will do everything I can sweetie. I'll be here for you for whatever you need. I love you. I love you so much. You are such a wonderful person but I know you can't see it."

Maura allowed herself to melt into the brunette's arms. She closed her eyes and allowed all the noise in her head to dissipate. As had always been the case, she felt safe and comfortable in Jane's arms. And yet… The greyness still remained. Although it had lifted ever so slightly, the heaviness still lingered. The want to hurt remained. Her body shook with sobs. She knew in that instant that there was no way out of this. This incessant grey cloud that hung over her head at all times, pouring rain onto her soul at the most arbitrary of instances. She felt so hopeless; so utterly lost. The feeling scared her.

Jane held her as she cried, angry at herself that she may have somehow further upset the blonde. "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to upset you." She too felt so very desperate. Desperate to show this broken yet absolutely beautiful woman that she was loved.

"It's not your fault Jane." Maura sniffled as she gently wiped her eyes, hoping to not smudge her make up too much. She padded over to the bathroom to see the damage. Not too bad, she mused as she considered herself in the mirror. She grabbed the concealer and gently applied it to her face. "I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness and.. and… darkness sometimes."

"I'm so sorry Maur. I will help you through this all. But sweetie, do you think maybe you would benefit from talking to someone about all this?" Jane asked gently, not wanting to freak Maura out or make her think Jane thought any less of her.

Maura turned to Jane abruptly. "I don't need therapy Jane. I just need to get over it already. It's been years and I am still dwelling on it."

"I know I am the last person to discuss the benefits of therapy, seeing as I always refuse it, but Maur maybe talking about it will help. I just want to help you feel better."

"Thank you for caring Jane. I will take it into consideration ok?" Maura offered, knowing deep down that she was saying it purely to pacify Jane. There was no way she would discuss these horrible moments with a stranger.

"Ok sweetie. Whatever you decide, I am by your side. Always."

"GIRLS?! ARE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE?" Angela squawked from the kitchen.

"COMIN' MA!" Jane responded as she gave Maura one more reassuring smile and headed for the kitchen.

Maura allowed herself an extra moment to collect herself before following Jane. She was determined to enjoy this dinner. She looked forward to it every week and she was not going to allow this grey cloud to interrupt her happiness tonight. These were all people that she was familiar with and loved. She could do this. With determination, she made her way down the stairs to join Jane and Angela in the kitchen.

* * *

 _To be continued…_


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters._

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also Out of Character Maura. **

**A/N: As promised, a bit of a lighter chapter this time. It's time for Rizzoli family dinner! Hope you enjoy! Please let me know if you have any suggestions. I also just wanted to let you all know that I am going away for a while over the Christmas/New Year's break so this story won't be updated now until next year (can you believe 2015 is almost over?!). I hope all you lovely readers have a marvellous Christmas and New Year!**

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"There's my other daughter!" Angela exclaimed as she wiped her hand on her apron and kissed Maura on the cheek.

Maura was determined not to allow herself to cry. She loved Jane and her family and Angela always made her feel like a central part of it. She always felt emotional to be included in such a wonderful family dynamic. She still felt as if she was covered in darkness but she resolved to permit herself to enjoy the evening as much as possible.

"Hi Angela." She replied softly, almost reverently. "May I assist you with the dinner preparations?"

"Could you chop some onions for me sweetie?" Angela requested with a sweet smile as she returned to the stove to perfect her sauce.

Maura gave a silent nod as she headed towards the chopping board. Lost in thought, she deliberated for a moment too long as to which knife was best for the job. She was brought out of her reverie by Jane's hand on her own.

"This is a task I can actually do. Can I take over Maur?" Jane asked, her tone exhibiting gentle concern.

Maura looked up at Jane and was a little perturbed by the look of apprehension on her friends face. She burrowed her brow in annoyance as she shrugged Jane's hand off her own and selected the appropriate knife. She would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't a little frustrated that Jane seemed to think she suddenly required supervision around sharp objects.

"I'm fine thank you Jane." She replied tersely. Her demeanor softened ever so slightly as Jane lightly rubbed her shoulder and gave her a tender kiss on the cheek. She promptly realised that her friend was confused and likely scared. She realised that just as Jane was showing her as much understanding as possible given the circumstances, she herself needed to appreciate how confusing this must be for Jane. How Jane must be unsure of how to correctly handle situations that were once second nature. "Why don't you set the table?" She softly suggested as she gave Jane's hand on her shoulder a loving tap.

Jane, who was mentally kicking herself for upsetting her friend, sighed in relief and commenced her appointed task. She unwittingly glanced over at Maura at every given opportunity. Not because she was watching her in concern, well partly due to that, but mostly because even after the day they had had, Maura somehow looked as radiant as ever and Jane's eyes were uncontrollably drawn to the beautiful blonde. Their eyes met as Jane was placing the last plate on the table and the loving smile that Jane gave Maura made the blonde temporarily stop her chopping. The detective's eyes held such unadulterated love that shocked Maura so much that she had to stop her task in order to prevent her from absentmindedly chopping her finger. The honey blonde simply refused to look away while Jane was looking at her in that manner. Maura was pleased that, seemingly for the first time that day, Jane's gaze held no outright concern. Her eyes only held acceptance, adoration and love. Maura was sure of it. She couldn't allow herself to believe that love found therein was anything beyond platonic, for fear of complete dejection and disappointment. But somehow in that moment, it was enough. Maura felt euphoric at the love she felt surround her. In that moment in time, the complete unassuming love in the room swallowed her suffering. It completely erased her pain, even if only temporarily. Was this her fix? Maura wasn't entirely sure but she was able to see the first glimmer of hope on her dark journey. She saw the first ray of light that she permitted to break through the dark clouds that hung over her head. She finally saw a future for herself.

Angela took in the scene in front of her in silence. She knew that something bad had happened today. Her motherly instinct had told her as much. However, she was ecstatic to observe the love exchanged between her two girls. She wondered to herself how long it would take for these two incredibly smart women to actually understand what was right in front of them. Shaking her head with a bright smile on her face, Angela dipped her spoon into the pot in front of her, tasting the sauce before adding a pinch of salt and refocusing her attention towards the dinner preparations.

In no time at all, dinner was all but finished and Jane and Maura were sitting at the counter with a beer and a glass of wine respectively, chatting with Angela as she added the final touches to the meal. The kitchen door suddenly crashed open to reveal Tommy and Frankie playfully fighting over something or other.

Maura jumped from her seat, spilling a little of her wine on the counter as her brain screamed at her to assume foetal position on the floor. However, Jane's arms scooped her up before she had even left her chair. Placing the doctor gently back on the stool, she tenderly rubbed her friend's back as she shot an angry look at her brothers.

"Boys!" Angela yelled clutching her chest in momentary panic before passing a tea towel to her daughter. "You gave us all a heart attack!"

"Show a little decorum guys. You can't come bursting into Maura's house like that!" Jane chided as she grasped the towel offered to her by her mother and attended to cleaning up the spilt wine.

"Sorry Maura, Ma." Tommy offered sheepishly as he walked towards their mother. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing a beer from the fridge and settling himself into the living room.

Frankie, suddenly remembering the events of the morning, carefully walked towards Maura. "Sorry if we scared you Maur." He whispered as he embraced her. "I bought you some wine." He offered with a wary yet caring smile displayed on his face.

"That's ok Frankie. I'm just a little jumpy I guess." Maura offered as she grabbed the wine from the Italian. She met Frankie's concerned gaze and suddenly dread filled her body. She did not want to have any sort of conversation about why she was jumpy or the earlier events of the day. She started to roughly rub her injured wrist through her jacket and silently begged for Jane to save her.

As if reading Maura's mind, Jane swept across the room and gently placed her hand atop of Maura's to stop her frantic rubbing before she reached full panic mode. She met the doctor's gaze and silently communicated that she would handle the situation for her friend. Maura visibly relaxed and started tracing the underside of Jane's hand with her thumb. Once Jane was satisfied that Maura was not going to have an anxiety attack, she turned her attention to Frankie and grabbed him by the elbow, pulling him just out of earshot of the other occupants of the house.

"Listen Frankie, I know you are concerned about Maura but I want to tell you that I am taking care of her. She doesn't want to talk about what happened today at the precinct or how she is dealing with it, particularly not in front of Ma and Tommy so just leave it in my hands okay?" She gently requested of her brother.

"No worries Janie. As long as I know you are looking after her I don't need to know anything more." He replied kindly as he patted his sister's shoulder.

"Thanks little bro." Jane said as they both re-joined the others.

"Tommy get your feet off that table!" Angela screeched as the put on oven mitts and pulled the Lasagne from the oven. "Dinner is ready!"

Everyone wandered over to the table and without thinking Jane pulled out Maura's chair for her. By the time she had realised what she had done, four faces were watching her. Three with amusement and one with complete adulation. Blushing profusely, Jane abruptly flopped into her chair with an audible thud. "Well, who's hungry?" She quickly asked, determined to distract everyone from her spontaneous gesture. It was certainly not something she was ready to discuss or be teased about by her family.

"I'm starving." Tommy replied before grabbing the necessary utensil and serving himself a large piece of Lasagne.

"Geez, save some for the rest of us Tommy!" Frankie teased as he reached over to get his own portion of the meal.

As the Rizzoli's good-naturedly fought over who would have the largest serving, Maura took the opportunity to lean over to Jane. "Thank you for being so chivalrous Jane. It is most appreciated." She huskily whispered in the brunette's ear.

Jane audibly swallowed. "Anytime Maur." She softly responded as she once again displayed that same loving smile that she had directed at Maura earlier in the evening. "But I am stuffed from the Pizza. I can't believe I forgot about family dinner!" The brunette added, once again taking the easy way out, attempting to distract the M.E.

Maura giggled as she agreed with Jane's sentiments. "We will just have to absorb it because if your Mother finds out that we have already eaten she will be devastated." Maura whispered in response.

Jane snorted. "Devastated is an understatement. I guess we will just have to _suck it up_." Jane giggled at Maura's incorrect phrasing and then turned to re-join in the dinner conversation, but not before gently placing her hand on Maura's thigh. The smile her action elicited from the blonde was almost blinding.

Jane, who had now accepted that she did in fact have non-friendly feelings for her best friend, was determined to shower her doctor with as many little acts of love as possible. If for nothing else, then simply to show Maura that she was in fact worthy of so much love. And she couldn't be certain, but she fairly sure that the M.E. was thoroughly enjoying this new side of Jane. Jane made a vow to herself to continue the little acts, just so she could see that bright smile on Maura's face.

* * *

About half an hour after dessert was finished, Tommy and Frankie made to leave, citing their respective early morning's as the reason for their departure. As soon as the boys had left Angela started to clear the table. She was instantly stopped by Jane who instructed her to sit down before she herself commenced the cleaning. When Maura stood to assist, Jane attempted in vain to get her to sit back down alongside her mother.

"I'll rinse and you stack." Maura stated simply as she gathered the remaining plates and took them to the kitchen.

Angela once again silently watched the picture of domesticity in front of her. She watched, enraptured, as Maura would rinse a dish before handing it over to Jane who would place it into the dishwasher. With almost every dish passed, the girls' hands would touch and both would pause momentarily to smile at each other. No words were exchanged. None were needed. These two women understood each other without the need for verbal conversation. It was a beautiful sight. It absolutely warmed Angela's heart. She had always wanted a doctor in the family and she was beginning to see how close to reality her wish now was. Suddenly, the normally nosy woman felt as if she was invading on a very private moment. Uncharacteristically, she quietly excused herself with a kiss to each woman's cheek. She had a sneaking suspicion that Jane would spend the night as she often did.

* * *

Jane did in fact decide to spend the night at Maura's house at the doctor's request. After Jane had showered and prepared herself for bed, she got herself comfortable in the guest bedroom. She knew that Maura inevitably took longer to prepare for bed than she did. She also knew that the blonde would join her in the guest bedroom for a chat before heading back to her own bed to sleep. Jane took the time she had to herself to really consider the day that was. She was utterly exhausted and had she not been eagerly anticipating seeing Maura once more before the day was through, she would probably already be in a deep slumber. Instead, the silence allowed her a brief moment to think. If she was being honest with herself she was absolutely scared shitless. She never expected to interrupt the event that she had earlier in the day. She never would have known that her best friend would hurt herself had she not witnessed it with her own eyes. She suddenly had so many troubling questions. Had Maura done this before? Had she hurt herself in the time that Jane had known her? If so, how could she have not seen it? How could she have not known that her best friend was experiencing such pain? That question pained her the most. The thought that she had somehow missed her best friend's pain and that that could in turn be the reason she had turned to self-harm completely destroyed to usually stoic detective. Jane closed her eyes tightly in an effort to quell the tears that were now forming. Frustrated and angry with both herself and the situation, she smacked the back of her head against the headboard of the bed.

"Jane? Are you alright?" Maura gently inquired as she stood at the threshold of the guest bedroom.

Jane slowly opened her eyes and looked toward her best friend. Had she not been so overcome with guilt, she may have noticed the teasing nightgown that the blonde had donned in an effort to get the detective's attention. Instead, a single tear slid down Jane's cheek. It was soon joined by another and another until soon a steady flow of warm salty tears softly rolled down Jane's face. Silently released along with the tears was the sorrow and agony that Jane had managed to hold in all day. She swiftly used the back of her hand to wipe most of her tears away before they managed reached her chin and told herself to get it together. Maura was the one experiencing the pain, why was she the one now crying? As unwarranted as it was in her mind, she knew her distress was due to the fact that she had always felt so connected to Maura. She felt so linked to Maura that any pain the doctor felt was somehow instantaneously passed through to her also.

Maura was by the brunette's side on the bed in an instant. Gently wiping the few remaining tears from Jane's face, she asked her friend what was wrong.

"Did I miss something Maur?" The Italian whimpered as she somehow managed to put a stop to her tears.

Maura tilted her head in confusion as she considered the brunette. "What do you mean Jane?"

"Did I miss some sign? Have you hurt yourself before? Have you been hurting yourself and I have neglected to notice it?" Jane rushed out her questions, unable to stop them once they started flowing.

Maura sighed, just now understanding the toll her actions were having on her friend. "No Jane." She answered gently as she curled into Jane's side, once again desperate for the comfort only her detective could bring. She didn't know if she could look into Jane's eyes any longer and see the pain that she knew she herself had put there. "Yes, I have hurt myself before." She whispered. "But not in a long time. Not since before I met you. Today just set something off in me. I evidently still have some triggers and the suspect's words to me today just hit a little too close to home for me. He set me off and I completely lost control. But this is the first time I have done this since the commencement of our friendship. That is because you have always made me so very happy Jane. You have always made me feel so loved." Maura took that moment to turn her face towards Jane's. Their faces were now inches apart. Maura could feel Jane's warm breath on her face. She wanted nothing more than to close the gap and kiss the detective but she was entirely too afraid of the possible negative consequences. She didn't know if she could live through losing her best friend right now. No, there was too much to potentially lose. Instead she turned back and looked straight ahead, playing anxiously with her hands.

Jane was disappointed when Maura turned away but she understood that the doctor was in a confusing place at the moment and the last thing Jane wanted to do was to confuse her friend any further. She was determined to allow any progress past friendship that may happen to occur at the blonde's pace. But she was finding herself growing ever hopeful that their friendship would turn into a relationship. Jane knew then and there that she was past the point of no return. She was officially hopelessly in love with her best friend and there was nothing she could do now to turn that back, not that she would even if she could. She just had to accept it and hope that Maura would want to be with her one day.

Utterly exhausted from all the emotions and epiphanies that the day had held for the brunette, she yawned and stretched her limbs before sliding down the bed until her head hit the soft pillow below her.

Maura took that as her sign to leave and said her goodnights before she started to exit the bed. Jane's voice broke through the following silence. "Please stay." She requested, her voice cracking slightly. "I just… I just need to hold you. Please. I need to feel you. To know that you are here."

Maura was both touched and pained by Jane's sentiment. "Of course Jane." She responded as she settled into the bed. She wanted nothing more than to snuggle into the detective's body but she instead took the safe road once again and turned her back towards Jane. She was pleasantly surprised to feel Jane's front mould against her back as the Italian's arm snaked around her midsection.

"Goodnight Jane." The M.E. whispered as she intertwined her fingers with Jane's that were clinging possessively to her stomach.

"Goodnight Maur." Jane replied. "Love you." She added in the softest whisper before drifting off to sleep.

Maura smiled and flicked off the light switch. "I love you too Jane." She whispered into the night before she herself fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters._

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also very Out of Character Maura. **

A/N: Thank you for all your reviews/follows. I apologise for the delay, I have had a mega case of writer's block. In any case, thanks for sticking with me! Here is the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it and I would love to hear your thoughts! **Please be aware that this chapter in particular has a very graphic description of domestic abuse towards the end. If this is a trigger for you, maybe consider skipping the** _italics_ **section of this chapter.**

* * *

Maura's internal body clock woke her just as the sun began to seep through the curtains. She gently rubbed her eyes as she attempted to get up and out of bed. She sighs contentedly, looking forward to relishing the rare opportunity now presented to her to watch her detective peacefully sleep without fear of being caught. However, she was met with disappointment as she rolled over only to find the other side of the bed empty. She is even more disappointed as she blindly reaches over and pats the sheets, noting their coolness under her fingers. _So Jane has been out of bed for a while._ She thinks to herself, worried that she had scared off the brunette. Surely that could be the only explanation for she knew that Jane would never willingly wake prior to her alarm. The Doctor fully peels her eyes open now as she looks to the bedside table to see what the time was. She almost jumps out of her skin when she sees the time. She makes to get out of bed and ready for work, mentally calculating just how late she is going to be. Before she can get out of bed however, a husky voice halts her movements.

"Not so fast Doctor." Jane rasps as she enters the room. "You need to return to bed this instant."

Maura can't help but smile at the sound of her best friend's voice. She swivels and obeys Jane's gentle order, noticing the tray in Jane's arms as she does so. "What are you doing Jane?" She inquires, a genuine smile plastered on her face.

"I've made you breakfast my dear Doctor. I think breakfast in bed is in order." Jane moves toward the bed and motions for Maura to sit on the bed with her legs flat so she can deposit the tray onto the blonde's lap.

Maura submits to the silent request not so silently. "Jane, it is highly unsanitary to consume food or beverages in the bedroom. Even following rigorous cleaning methods, which I of course always undertake regardless, there are often always macromolecules of food present between bedding and on the floor. Left unattended, it will attract Blattaria into the bedroom and we all know how repulsive that would be." Maura took a breath from her gentle rant, fulling intending to explain her previous statements in a simpler manner. Jane however, surprisingly beat her to the punch.

"Eating in bed leads to crumbs which leads to Cockroaches. Got it." Jane giggled quietly at her friends shocked face. "I do listen to you, you know? In any case, just live a little Maur, I will personally help you clean up what will no doubt be a filthy _guest_ bedroom afterwards if you would like." Jane gently teased as she softly deposited the tray onto Maura's ready lap.

Maura's initial qualms were squashed and she couldn't help but smiled happily as she took in the tray in front of her. Jane had made her yogurt atop with berries, a bowl of oats, half a grapefruit and a cup of coffee. She had decorated the tray with a single red tulip. Maura wondered momentarily if Jane understood that the meaning of the red tulip was often associated with true love. She quickly decided that Jane had likely just picked whichever flower it was from the garden that she first encountered. In any case, she was chuffed by the thought and love that had clearly gone in to the breakfast that was before her.

The M.E. wrapped both hands around the coffee cup and was about to bring it to her face for closer inspection before a pertinent thought hit her. "Jane it is 9:30am!" She gasped as she placed the coffee cup back on the tray and motioned for the detective to remove the tray from her lap so she could exit the bed. "Jane, we are late for work!"

"It's ok Maur." She sat beside the Doctor on the bed and placated the blonde by rubbing her thumb along her bicep as she quietly spoke. "I hope you don't mind but after the day we had yesterday I thought we could both use a day off." Jane suddenly felt self -conscious, annoyed at herself for making decisions on Maura's behalf without consulting her. Unable to bring herself to meet her friend's eyes for fear of meeting with disappointment, she sheepishly watched her hands as she thumbed over her scars. "I just… I'm sorry it was probably a stupid idea. And I… I didn't mean to make decisions on your behalf Maur. I just don't want to see you hurt. I just wanted to do something nice and I've gone and stuffed it all up. I'm sorry. I'll leave if you want so that you can get ready for work." Jane however, made no motion to move and instead continued her nervous chattering, not noticing the bemused smile that graced the honey-blonde's lips. "I have the day all planned though Maur. I have activities planned for us. I thought maybe if we both get out and do some nice things together that it could do the world of good for both of us but I fully understand if you don't want to." The brunette took a deep breath in order to prevent herself from continuing to embarrass herself. She was pleasantly surprised when she felt the most gentle of lips upon her cheek.

"Thank you Jane." She uttered softly, reverentially. "This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. You always make me feel loved Jane."

The brunette jolted her head up to meet her friend's gaze. "You are loved Maur. More than you could possibly know."

Jane's words hung heavily in the air. Both women were too afraid to say or do anything that could complicate their relationship at this delicate point in time. They gazed carefully at each other, as if both making sure the other would not run. As if promising to each other through their eyes alone they would stay the distance. It was penetrating yet far from uncomfortable. Maura was the first to break the stare as she looked down once more upon the platter and brought the coffee to her lips.

"Mmm. Did you use the La Pavoni?" the Doctor asked, half in shock, half in awe.

"If you mean that gold contraption in your kitchen that looks like one of your mother's art pieces and requires an engineering degree to operate, then yes I did. Mark that off my bucket list."

Maura eats her breakfast in silence, simply enjoying the spread that Jane has made for her. She realises just how much Jane has done for her. She didn't think it possible, but somehow she continues to fall more and more in love with the detective. She knows then and there that she wants to share everything with Jane. Her thoughts, her feelings, her fears. She knows that Jane must have some burning questions about Brian that she is too thoughtful to ask without express permission to do so. Wiping her face and delicately placing the tray on the floor beside the bed, Maura addresses Jane. "You can ask me anything you want Jane."

Jane the blonde for a moment and Maura can see the serious, contemplative look on her friend's face. The silence extends for a beat too long and Maura wonders if Jane will break it at all. "One thing that I understand about cases of domestic violence cases is how hard it is for the woman to leave. Sometimes because she cannot physically get away from him or because she is fearful of the outcome of attempting to escape the abuse, sometimes because she is too afraid of being left alone and no doubt many other reasons. " Jane turned towards the Doctor, takes her hands and looks at her seriously. "I want you to understand that I see how brave you have been Maur. Many women never leave out of fear and that is completely understandable, it doesn't make them weak by any means – quite the opposite in fact. However, a woman who has been brave enough to leave in spite of the overwhelming fear associated with doing so is nothing short of a warrior in my eyes. You are a strong woman Maura. You are incredible. I've always known it but now… Now I respect you even more if that is possible and I think you are so courageous, so accomplished, so very powerful. And those are only the top of the iceberg of the reasons why you are so very loved."

For the first time in a very long time, Maura actually believed the kind words that Jane had directed at her. And for the first time in an age, tears did not flow from her eyes. Instead, her smile lit up the room. She wordlessly thanked Jane for her kind words with a slight nod of her head before she sighed happily and rested her head on the detective's shoulder. In response, Jane gently put her head atop of the blonde's.

"I do have one question, if you don't mind answering it of course." Jane said as she gently twirled the M.E.'s hair. She felt Maura nod against her shoulder. "How and when did you leave him?"

Maura took a deep breath before wrapping her arm around Jane's midsection, wanting as much tactile connection with her friend as she could get to comfort her through the retelling of the scariest night of her life.

"I thought I was pregnant…"

* * *

 _23 year old Maura Isles stared at the test in disbelief. Sitting on the closed toilet lid, she eyed the piece of plastic as if by doing so she could somehow turn back the hands of time. Her lips trembled, tears prickled her eyes and her hands shook. "No. Please god no." She wailed as she allowed her tears to fall. Positive. What a horrible word for this outcome. Maura knew that once Brian found out the results would be anything but positive._

 _Maura sat on the toilet for god knows how long simply contemplating how her life was about to change. She was so stuck in her own head that she failed to hear the door downstairs slam. She was likewise too distracted to hear Brian yell for a beer, or to hear his footsteps heavy on the stairs. The creak of the door opening pulled her out of her reverie and she lunged for the bin, placing the test in it just as the door swung open and slammed against the wall. The blonde jumped in shock and before she knew it, Brian was in front of her. He was angry again. Nay, he was positively enraged._

 _He took in her appearance and narrowed his eyes. "What are you hiding from me Maura?" He sneered as he roughly grabbed her arm, squeezing so hard Maura thought he might break a bone somehow._

" _Please Brian, you are hurting me." She whimpered, trying desperately to break free from his grip._

 _He practically growled as he ripped his arm backward, roughly pulling Maura's arm and her whole body along with it. She was yanked up so quickly that she lost orientation and stumbled, her body falling to the floor as Brian's grip remained ever strong on her arm. He pulled her along the tiles as he moved closer to the toilet._

" _Let's see what you are hiding." He spat as he lifted the toilet lid. Seeing it empty save for the water at the bottom of the bowl, he turned back to Maura. "WHAT IS IT YOU WORTHLESS BITCH? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?!" He shouted, again pulling painfully on her arm. She remained silent, knowing from experience that even though he had directly asked her a question, her voice at this time would only cause him to become more irate._

 _Maura whimpered as Brian reached for the bin. Again, she tried in vain to scamper away from him. Knowing what he would find, her free hand gently came to rest on her stomach. Sure enough, it did not take him long to find the offending item. Maura prematurely sighed in relief as he let his grip fall from her arm. He was silently staring at the stick and Maura thought that maybe she had read him wrong. Maybe he would be happy that she was carrying his child. He soon shattered her hopes however, as anger took over his sharp features once more._

" _You're pregnant?" He growled, the danger evident in his voice and in his eyes._

" _I'm sorry. I don't understand how it happened. I've been on the pill." She softly whispered as she stared at the floor, hoping to somehow placate him with her words and her outward display of submission. She was beyond scared at this point. Her arm was aching, her knees were pained from being on the tiles for an extended period of time. She had never been more scared in her life. She said a silent prayer to a god she didn't believe in that he would somehow save her from this situation all the while knowing full well that her entreaty would not be answered._

" _You will be sorry." He threateningly promised as he made his way over to the prone blonde crouching on the floor. His hand fisted her hair and she cried out in pain as she was lifted to her feet by her hair. Her eyes met his, pleading for mercy that would never be granted. He stared back at her before pulling his free hand back as far as possible._

" _I gave you specific instructions that you were not to fall pregnant Maura. You are pathetic. You stupid girl." What scared Maura the most was the calm manner in which he spoke the words. She failed to register what his free hand was doing until she felt it connect with her stomach. She screamed, her body trying to crumble to the floor as she was steadfastly held up by the fist in her hair._

" _Please Brian. Please let me go. Please don't hurt the baby." She somehow managed to speak between the sobs and trying to catch her breath that had been taken so forcefully from her. She urgently clawed at the hand in her hair, trying to break free from its grip as so watched his hand reel back once more. Her head shook frantically, her eyes bulging in fear as she pleaded for him not to hurt her baby. Her plea fell on deaf ears and she soon felt his fist collide with her abdomen again and again once more. She coughed and spluttered, trying to regain her breath._

 _Suddenly, Maura was dropping to the floor as the hand intertwined in her hair was finally released. The tiles pressed coldly against her cheek, quickly being warmed by her salty tears. She gingerly covered her stomach with her hands before urgently rolling over and vomiting. Being thoroughly distracted by the pain radiating from her abdomen through to her whole body, Maura again failed to see the limb hurtling violently towards her. A sickening crunch reverberated off the bathroom walls as Brian's foot made its intended connection. The blonde was knocked on to her back, her breathing labored, the overwhelming pain evident in her usually soft features. Brian leaned over her menacingly, appraising her state. Seemingly satisfied, he made his way to the door. "I'm heading out for a while. This had better be cleaned up by the time I am home."_

 _Maura lay on the hard tiles, arms resting uselessly over her stomach waiting to hear the front door slam before she dare move. She allowed an extra ten minutes or so before she dared to move. She cried out, instantly regretting her movements. However, she knew she had to get out of there. She needed to leave for good. For her baby's sake, if there still was a baby. She managed to crawl to the bathroom door, pain radiating through her body which each slight movement. With each motion, each shot of indescribable pain, she told herself she was doing this for her child._

 _Twenty minutes later, she had managed to crawl down the stairs. Now she didn't know what to do. She knew that Brian was likely at his friend's house just around the corner. If she called an ambulance the sirens would alert him to her plan. However, she wasn't sure she would be able to drive. She sat leaning against the wall for a moment as the severity of the event hit her. She realised that he had never been anywhere near this violent before and a fresh wave of tears started steadily flowing down her pale cheeks. This gave her all the motivation she needed to leave. She had hidden a bag of clothes in her car a couple of weeks ago, just in case, and she was now very pleased with her forethought._

 _The blonde shakily rose to her feet, crying as the red hot pain hit her again. She clenched her jaw as an overwhelming sense of determination settled in. One foot in front of the other, she slowly walked to the garage. The pain was excruciating, but her strong and determined mind allowed her to push through it and she endeavored to suffer in silence. Getting into the car was a different story. She once again cried out as a sharp stabbing pain spread through her abdomen as she bent down to get into the car. She kept telling herself that she could do this, that she needed to do this, and before she knew it she had reached the nearest hospital._

* * *

Maura paused her retelling as she could feel Jane shaking. She slowly pulled back to look at the detective.

Jane was sitting stock still, her hands balled into fists so tight that they were becoming painful, her whole body was shaking with pure rage. "What is his last name Maura?" She questioned through clenched teeth.

Maura was starting to become alarmed. She understood on the most basic level that Jane would never hurt her and yet she had never seen her friend so angry. It scared her deeply, especially after rehashing the details of that horrific night. She remained silent, partly because she was stunned into silence and party because she did not want Jane to get in trouble for hurting her former abuser.

Without looking at Maura, Jane clenched her fists even tighter. "What. Is. His. Last. Name?" She questioned once more, spitting out each word. When she was again met with silence, she finally looked towards the Doctor. Seeing her friend's panicked expression, Jane softened. She immediately unclenched her fists and slowly reached her hand out in front of the M.E., offering it to her if she wanted it. Maura took a moment, allowed the rational part of her brain to catch up and realise that she was here with Jane and that Jane would never hurt her. Silently, she took the offered hand and pulled it in to her body. "Please don't do that again Jane. I can't handle you that angry. Please…" She whispered.

Jane hated herself in that moment. Hated that she had scared Maura. But even more, she hated Brian. She knew without a doubt that when the time was right she would deal him the hand he really deserved, no matter the cost to her. She leaned her body into the blonde's. "I'm so sorry Maur. I just… I need to find him and give him what he truly deserves. Please tell me his last name?"

"Why? So you can kill him Jane?" Maura asked exasperatedly. "What would I do without my best friend Jane? What would I do with you in prison? What purpose would that serve?"

"He can't get away with this Maura, he needs to pay for what he did to you." Jane replied, much calmer this time, as she gently traced lines across Maura's stomach with her long fingers. "I'm going to make him pay. I promise you that much."

"Please Jane… Please leave this alone. I am begging you!"

Sensing that she was causing Maura more distress, Jane conceded. "Okay Maur, I'll let it go for now." They sat in silence for a minute, allowing themselves to fully calm before Maura spoke again.

"Thankfully I wasn't pregnant. It was a false positive. However, I had two cracked ribs and severe contusions to my abdomen and brachium – my upper arm." Maura explained as Jane continued her soft touches.

"Where did you go Maur?"

"I had a substantial trust bestowed upon me by my parents when I graduated high school so I bought a house. I finished my degree and then moved on." Maura explained.

"Have you soon him since then?" Jane asked; her hand stilling as she looked up at her best friend.

"No I haven't seen him since then, but he still managed to find a way to haunt me by constantly harassing and threatening me via phone. I took out a restraining order on him and he hasn't contacted me since."

"Well that's at least something. Would you promise me something though Maur?"

"Anything." Maura replied without missing a beat.

"Please promise me that if he ever does contact you again or you see him somewhere that you will tell me straight away." Jane requested; her gaze piercing and serious.

"I promise." Again they shared an intense, silent moment. "Now, please tell me what our plans are for our day off?"

* * *

 **A/N – Please don't hate me! I apologise for the intensity of this chapter but I felt it needed to be written in order to ascertain the exact type of person Brian is. It will be important for later chapters and I want you to hate him as he is the villain of this story after all. But don't worry – the next chapter will be a lot lighter. I have a specific plan for this story and I promise that Brian will be given his just deserts when the time is right.**


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